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Reports from the Edge:
The Church of the SubGenius

One thing you've got to admit: living in the End Times is certainly one helluva show.

There's perverts, idiots and jerks crawling out of the woodwork just to appear on the multitude of talk shows that now crowd the airwaves. You've got international pop stars changing race and sex bit by bit right before the public's very eyes. There are mindless fashion trends based on letters of the alphabet. Crazed televangelists roam the landscape duping multitudes with their babbling talk of spooks in the sky and eternal damnation.

Is there any hope left?

Does anyone have an answer?

Surprisingly enough, yes, there actually is an answer to all the problems, large and small, that are plaguing this planet. The answer is J.R. "Bob" Dobbs and The Church of the SubGenius. Not just another cheesy scam like all those other One-True-Religions, The Church of the SubGenius delivers on its promises of salvation, fortune and power over others, and backs it up with a triple-your-money-back guarantee.

Let's see the Baptists match that.


Trying to explain the Church of the SubGenius to the uninitiated is always a little difficult.

For starters, this church is not for everyone.

Unlike other religions, this one doesn't claim to be the salvation for the whole human race. In fact, the main reason that the membership of the Church is relatively small is that it's not for humans at all. The SubGenius is not a homo sapien; he's a descendant of that ancient and hairy species, the Yeti.

These ancestors of today's SubGenius once occupied Atlantis and in fact were responsible for the creation of humans (in what can only be described as a laboratory experiment gone bad). Today the masses of these annoying creatures are referred to as Pinks, Mediocretins, Normals and Glorps.

The term 'SubGenius' is itself a stumbling block for many who feel like words have to mean something. When you tell this type of person that you're a 'SubGenius,' they immediately say, in that cocksure tone of voice that only the stupidest of Pinks use, "Oh, I guess that makes you stupid, since you must be below genius."

Yeah, right.

On the other hand, like it says in The Book, "To Bob...one happy idiot is worth far more than ten atomic-bomb-inventing geniuses."

The Truth is, though, that the term 'SubGenius' means absolutely nothing, while at the same time it can be used to mean absolutely anything. That's the beauty of not only the word 'SubGenius,' but also the philosophy that goes by the same name: anything is possible and permissible at anytime and anywhere. This is definitely one church that doesn't believe in hindering its members with a lot of nonsensical rules and regulations.

This is not to say that there's no underlying foundation of beliefs upon which the Church of the SubGenius is based. As a member, though, you're in no way obligated to believe any of them at all.

In fact, the Church encourages you to create your own sect based on your own original (or borrowed) warped ideas. It further advises that, upon forming your own sect, you create an immediate schism sect in order to continue the perpetuation of chaos.


Like the beloved tales of so many other religions, the story behind the Church of the SubGenius begins with a single individual, J.R. "Bob" Dobbs.

As the founder of a church that believes in cashing in on the profit in prophecy, it is only appropriate that as a young man Dobbs spent years slaving away to become The World's Greatest Salesman.

Happily, the mixing and brewing of the mutant SubGenius gene pool came together after centuries to endow Bob with strange psychic and hypnotic powers which allowed him to amass a huge personal fortune during his early years. (Various escapades from this time are detailed in The Book.)

The real adventure didn't really get cranked up, though, until one night in the early 1940s when Bob was tinkering around in his living room with an experimental television of his own design.

Suddenly, a bolt of energy came surging out of the machine to engulf Bob, sending his body into convulsions and seizures. While his body lay there thrashing on the floor, Dobbs was transported across the vast reaches of space to be brought before the presence of JEHOVAH-1, the mad space alien and cosmic prankster who for thousands of years has been duping scads of humans into thinking he was God. (With his awesome powers, he might as well be the Big G, though there are plenty of beings in the universe much more powerful and malevolent than he is.)

Confronted with the vastness of this Near God, Bob received the first of many messages beamed directly into his head outlining the devious plans JHVH-1 has for this planet and the part the SubGenius will play in it. This event is referred to as "The Divine Emaculation of J.R. 'Bob' Dobbs," and the knowledge he gained that night forms the sacred Prescriptures of the Church.


One of the first goals of the Church is to bring about realization of the true heritage which so many SubGeniuses have lost or forgotten. Ostracized by Normals and Pinks, many of these supposedly weird folks have actually come to believe that there's something wrong with them.

The truth of the matter is this: it's the Normals who are warped, and it's all due to that most evil of forces, The Conspiracy.

What exactly is the Con and how does it work?

Well, look around you. Why are you chained to a miserable job that you hate? Why does the amount you owe always seem to be just a little bit more than the amount you earn? Why are there no good shows on TV most of the time? Why do you keep watching it? Why won't classic rock die? Basically, why do things just seem to suck?

The answer: that's the way the Conspiracy wants it.

The Con wants you totally occupied with making a living and being entertained by its mind-warping programming so that it can soak up all, and I mean every tiny little bit and shred, of your Slack.


Ah, Slack. If you're a SubGenius, there is no sweeter word.

Slack is the ultimate goal of the SubGenius. But you can't expect to be given a definition of Slack. Turning once again to the Book, we find that it says, "The Slack that can be described is not the true Slack."

When you've got it, you know it. And when you don't, you often experience a pain similar to that of a sharp stick poking you in the eyeball.

By depriving you of your Slack, the Conspiracy hopes to keep you enslaved, toiling away for the benefit of those at the top, the mysterious Men in Black. Whatever you do, though, don't fall for the false Slack that the Con offers. It often comes in the form of cheap drugs, meaningless sex with humans, and occasional so-called "holidays" from your miserable existence.


The SubGenius Foundation strives to combat the Conspiracy in order that Dobbs may be proclaimed leader of the planet before it's too late, which is going to be a lot sooner than a lot of people think. Forget cheap imitations like Koresh and Manson; Dobbs knows when the end is coming and what's going to happen then.

You can pick up the Book of the SubGenius (Simon & Schuster) at almost any bookstore and find out that the world as we know it will soon end. You can read about the coming invasion of the aliens from Planet X, with whom Bob has cut a deal in order to ensure that the SubGeniuses get to take part in the looting of Earth and the enslavement of the Pink Boys.

That knowledge won't do you a damn bit of good, though, if you haven't paid Bob your twenty bucks, which is the only way to become an official, ordained member of The Church.

Be forewarned: without your offering, your name won't be on the guest list of the X-ists, and there will be no room for you on their pleasure saucers. It's the most important investment in your future you could ever make, especially if you plan on having a future at all.


But the philosophy, details and stories of the Church of the SubGenius are much too intricately confusing to go into any further with my limited space here. If you'd like more information on the current doings of the Church, send a self-addressed stamped envelope to The SubGenius Foundation, PO Box 140306, Dallas, TX 75214. If you send them one measly dollar they will send you back a 16-page pamphlet further explaining the teachings of Bob, which I guarantee will have you laughing so hard you'll puke.

Until next time, BE SLACK.

—Article by G. Thomas Powell

Posted May 1, 1999



J.R. "Bob" Dobbs, the founder of the Church of the SubGenius





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