thing you've got to admit: living in the End Times
is certainly one helluva show.
perverts, idiots and jerks crawling out of the woodwork
just to appear on the multitude of talk shows that
now crowd the airwaves. You've got international
pop stars changing race and sex bit by bit right
before the public's very eyes. There are mindless
fashion trends based on letters of the alphabet.
Crazed televangelists roam the landscape duping
multitudes with their babbling talk of spooks in
the sky and eternal damnation.
any hope left?
have an answer?
enough, yes, there actually is an answer to all
the problems, large and small, that are plaguing
this planet. The answer is J.R. "Bob"
Dobbs and The Church of the SubGenius. Not just
another cheesy scam like all those other One-True-Religions,
The Church of the SubGenius delivers on its promises
of salvation, fortune and power over others, and
backs it up with a triple-your-money-back guarantee.
the Baptists match that.
to explain the Church of the SubGenius to the uninitiated
is always a little difficult.
this church is not for everyone.
religions, this one doesn't claim to be the salvation
for the whole human race. In fact, the main reason
that the membership of the Church is relatively
small is that it's not for humans at all. The SubGenius
is not a homo sapien; he's a descendant of that
ancient and hairy species, the Yeti.
of today's SubGenius once occupied Atlantis and
in fact were responsible for the creation of humans
(in what can only be described as a laboratory experiment
gone bad). Today the masses of these annoying creatures
are referred to as Pinks, Mediocretins, Normals
'SubGenius' is itself a stumbling block for many
who feel like words have to mean something. When
you tell this type of person that you're a 'SubGenius,'
they immediately say, in that cocksure tone of voice
that only the stupidest of Pinks use, "Oh,
I guess that makes you stupid, since you must be
On the other
hand, like it says in The Book, "To Bob...one
happy idiot is worth far more than ten atomic-bomb-inventing
is, though, that the term 'SubGenius' means absolutely
nothing, while at the same time it can be used to
mean absolutely anything. That's the beauty of not
only the word 'SubGenius,' but also the philosophy
that goes by the same name: anything is possible
and permissible at anytime and anywhere. This is
definitely one church that doesn't believe in hindering
its members with a lot of nonsensical rules and
not to say that there's no underlying foundation
of beliefs upon which the Church of the SubGenius
is based. As a member, though, you're in no way
obligated to believe any of them at all.
the Church encourages you to create your own sect
based on your own original (or borrowed) warped
ideas. It further advises that, upon forming your
own sect, you create an immediate schism sect in
order to continue the perpetuation of chaos.
the beloved tales of so many other religions, the
story behind the Church of the SubGenius begins
with a single individual, J.R. "Bob" Dobbs.
As the founder
of a church that believes in cashing in on the profit
in prophecy, it is only appropriate that as a young
man Dobbs spent years slaving away to become The
World's Greatest Salesman.
the mixing and brewing of the mutant SubGenius gene
pool came together after centuries to endow Bob
with strange psychic and hypnotic powers which allowed him to amass a huge
personal fortune during his early years. (Various
escapades from this time are detailed in The Book.)
adventure didn't really get cranked up, though,
until one night in the early 1940s when Bob was
tinkering around in his living room with an experimental
television of his own design.
a bolt of energy came surging out of the machine
to engulf Bob, sending his body into convulsions
and seizures. While his body lay there thrashing
on the floor, Dobbs was transported across the vast
reaches of space to be brought before the presence
of JEHOVAH-1, the mad space alien and cosmic prankster
who for thousands of years has been duping scads
of humans into thinking he was God. (With his awesome
powers, he might as well be the Big G, though there
are plenty of beings in the universe much more powerful
and malevolent than he is.)
with the vastness of this Near God, Bob received
the first of many messages beamed directly into
his head outlining the devious plans JHVH-1 has
for this planet and the part the SubGenius will
play in it. This event is referred to as "The
Divine Emaculation of J.R. 'Bob' Dobbs," and
the knowledge he gained that night forms the sacred
Prescriptures of the Church.
of the first goals of the Church is to bring about
realization of the true heritage which so many SubGeniuses
have lost or forgotten. Ostracized by Normals and
Pinks, many of these supposedly weird folks have
actually come to believe that there's something
wrong with them.
of the matter is this: it's the Normals who are
warped, and it's all due to that most evil of forces,
is the Con and how does it work?
around you. Why are you chained to a miserable job
that you hate? Why does the amount you owe always
seem to be just a little bit more than the amount
you earn? Why are there no good shows on TV most
of the time? Why do you keep watching it? Why won't
classic rock die? Basically, why do things just
seem to suck?
that's the way the Conspiracy wants it.
wants you totally occupied with making a living
and being entertained by its mind-warping programming
so that it can soak up all, and I mean every tiny
little bit and shred, of your Slack.
Slack. If you're a SubGenius, there is no sweeter
the ultimate goal of the SubGenius. But you can't
expect to be given a definition of Slack. Turning
once again to the Book, we find that it says, "The
Slack that can be described is not the true Slack."
got it, you know it. And when you don't, you often
experience a pain similar to that of a sharp stick
poking you in the eyeball.
you of your Slack, the Conspiracy hopes to keep
you enslaved, toiling away for the benefit of those
at the top, the mysterious Men in Black. Whatever
you do, though, don't fall for the false Slack that
the Con offers. It often comes in the form of cheap
drugs, meaningless sex with humans, and occasional
so-called "holidays" from your miserable
SubGenius Foundation strives to combat the Conspiracy
in order that Dobbs may be proclaimed leader of
the planet before it's too late, which is going
to be a lot sooner than a lot of people think. Forget
cheap imitations like Koresh and Manson; Dobbs knows
when the end is coming and what's going to happen
pick up the Book of the SubGenius (Simon & Schuster)
at almost any bookstore and find out that the world
as we know it will soon end. You can read about
the coming invasion of the aliens from Planet X,
with whom Bob has cut a deal in order to ensure
that the SubGeniuses get to take part in the looting
of Earth and the enslavement of the Pink Boys.
won't do you a damn bit of good, though, if you
haven't paid Bob your twenty bucks, which is the
only way to become an official, ordained member
of The Church.
without your offering, your name won't be on the
guest list of the X-ists, and there will be no room
for you on their pleasure saucers. It's the most
important investment in your future you could ever
make, especially if you plan on having a future
the philosophy, details and stories of the Church
of the SubGenius are much too intricately confusing
to go into any further with my limited space here.
If you'd like more information on the current doings
of the Church, send a self-addressed stamped envelope
to The SubGenius Foundation, PO Box 140306, Dallas,
TX 75214. If you send them one measly dollar they
will send you back a 16-page pamphlet further explaining
the teachings of Bob, which I guarantee will have
you laughing so hard you'll puke.
time, BE SLACK.